Jenny-Broken Heart Mended

Have you ever heard the quote, "Well Behaved Women Rarely Make History?"  It's something Perky and I always tell each other.  In times of struggle you have to dig deep even when you want to quit.  Plus, sometimes a drastic action is what you need to get your head in the right place.

I was in the hospital last week with some mystery thing and the cardio docs couldn't figure out what to do.  They sent in a surgeon I had in the past who did an experimental surgery on me.  We thought we'd try the surgery again to see if we could make my heart calm down.   He came to see me but said it was too risky and he was scared I'd have a stroke or a heart attack.   He seemed scared.  I cried because it felt he had given up on saving me. That was a rough day.  But I had to regroup and decide what to do next.  I am not a quitter.  

I made myself walk in the hallway to clear my mind.  And that changed everything.  The nurses chased me down yelling at me that I was in V Fib (which can lead to sudden death.) I told them I was fine but they didn't believe me.  Then I snuck out my room again, and it happened again.  Then 7 cardiologists and came to see me.  They had an idea what was happening.  I had hope again.  I was really praying they would find a problem with the pacemaker, not with my heart. Sure enough, they did. If I had "behaved" they wouldn't have found the problem.

Tuesday I went in for surgery.  Some guy was waiting for his cardiac surgery and wouldn't stop talking about his death.  He kept talking about the corener coming to pick up his body in the "meat wagon."   He said this in a waiting room of 25 people waiting for their heart surgeries.  You could hear a pin drop.  No one was talking but him.  Everybody somber, reflecting on what was about to happen.  I really wanted to tell him to shut up but I resisted the urge. It was seriously hard though!  I also wanted to tell him the surgeries keep us alive, so not to be scared of them. It's a miracle these docs perform everyday, it's a gift.  

Then they called me back.   I met a lady in her 80's getting her first pacemaker.  She asked me questions so I answered them.  I gave her my crash course in pacemaker implants.  I just can't seem to stop teaching wherever I go! They called me back to the OR.  The cath lab seems like a second home now.  The blue lights glowing seem reassuring in a weird way.

Foster, the pacemaker tech was there in the operating room with me.  He's the tech that went out of his way to design programming for me and April.  He's not a morning person, but I was really glad to see him.  Because he knows exactly how I need my pacer set up.  Everything was prepped again just like  6 months ago.  The nurse and I were cracking up that only one boob gets cleaned for the surgery!  They put the blue tarp over my face.  It's really aggrevating because my hands get tied down during the surgery too.  Your face always ends up itching and you can't scratch it. 

We started the surgery and I could feel my skin burning.  They used a cauterizing tool to cut out my old scar. I let them know I could still feel it so they injected more drugs into the skin around my incision.  Then I don't remember anything.   When I woke up they were strapping my arm to my waist and telling me it was over.  I was confused because you stay awake for pacemaker surgeries. The nurses were babbling about cardioversion.   I assumed they were talking about another patient.  But then I realized I was asleep the whole time.  So I asked them if it was me.  The nurses looked at each other and them they told me what happened.

They said during the surgery I went into atrial flutter and they had to defibrillate me.  They shocked me to get my heart into a normal rhythm.  The nurses in surgical care told me I had a burn mark on my chest from them shocking me. It's on the opposite side of my pacemaker.  Looks like a giant badge!  Here it is...

I've had a lot of time the past two weeks to think about what I did wrong.  I wanted to bring the kids on vacation.  I wanted everyone just to have a normal vacation.  But instead I ended up in the ER and came home broken.  I don't want to live like I have a broken heart.  But I think it's time I accept that I can't do what other people can do.  I'm going to have to watch from the sidelines.  It's not perfect, but I'll be alive and I will be able to watch the kids grow up.

I'm not in much pain.  Actually all my chest pain I've been in for a month is gone.  It was all due to the lead being in the wrong place when I moved it pulling Philip out the water.  I'm so grateful to be fixed again. To be almost whole again.

It's hard for everyone to understand why I want to move so badly.  But when you've been sick for so long it all you dream about.  I felt so much better with the pacemaker I just wanted to live my life.  But I  got a little too comfortable.   Getting shocked helped me realize I'm in a really serious battle with this heart.  The end game is going to be heart failure.  Which is probably why I push things the way I do because I never know what's going to happen.  It's why I tell everyone I love them a thousand times.  Because life is short. So mend your fences.  Take care of your heart and leave the world a little better than when you came into it. Have a great week!

Jenny