http://moniquekoll.blogspot.com/2013/05/summer-rainhappy-birthday-bono.html
Summer Rain...Happy Birthday BONO!!
The purpose of this post is to hopefully show a great comeback from rock bottom, because that's where I am right now. The low point in my 35 years is now. I've survived an abusive marriage and a ton of money problems, and I gotta believe I'll survive this too. But MAN am I tired of being strong! Give me weak and easy, I'd be cool with that for now!
Bono's Birthday is today! My favorite band. This is my favorite song from them; if I had to pick a song that accurately represents me, this is it.
It's called Summer Rain.
It's not this bad, I just really really love this blog and she's just gone through some bad times: MAKE SURE you read at least one other thing besides the "Adventures in Depression" posts! I like the Dog one. Hyperbole and a Half
This has been a crazy week. Lots of good, one really bad. In that I lost my job. I don't really get the details, basically they waited until I was no longer on FMLA even though I tried to get back to work before it was out, and then said since I was no longer on FMLA they were letting me go. My therapists and doctors filled out a lot of paperwork for them, all saying I can go back. HR kept coming up with weird next steps that I had to do, which I now see were probably stalling tactics. YES I'm confident I can do the job now, I honestly don't know what the problem is. I'm healed enough that I'm confident that I could even do surgery. I wish I had the opportunity to show them I'm okay now, I miss it. But I don't know where to go from here.
SO what to do?? Honestly, I'm scared, and hurt, and incredibly sad. It's the icing on the cake for me, everything I built has come crashing down. I wanted to be a vet all my life - since I was seven years old - and I can't even afford working in private practice because of my mega student loans. Can't leave the state easily because I have a kid with aforementioned ex-husband, and of course I'm still healing from this broken neck business.
I read something on Facebook recently that said something to the effect of if you don't believe it will be okay, you don't trust life enough. It's true, I don't, and I have a hard time trusting it will be okay.
Nic said if it's not working to trust God right now, trust in how strong I am. That helps.
My awesomest friend Jess said there are 2 type of people, those that are good at adapting and blending in and going along with things, and those that are determined to get what they want. The world needs both types. Her analogy was that if we were stranded on a desert island she would be the type that blends in with the natives and became part of their culture, and I would be the type to build a boat and find a way to get back where I wanted to be. That's how she knows I'm going to be okay. I think Nic is the 1st type too, along with her. It works. My life is still together because of him.
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| Jess & Me |
ON to the good things!!!
I'm 99% walking with a cane now! It doesn't help me walk correctly but it does help with my balance. And is sooo much more easy to carry around! And hug people! And shoo away pets and children and things! Hooray!
500y swimming this week! If ya think that's tough, try doing it as a paraplegic! Gogglesss! ;) (I forgot them)
Follow my progress! NOLA RnR 2014 Training Log
I attended the 1st time trial of the season by Precision Bikes. I sucked at cycling when I started racing, but this was always a fun time even though I came in last! It Was Great; I met quite a few people there. The awesome chiropractor Keith Terro, Ruud Vuijsters the PT, badass Jamie Scott whom came to visit me in the hospital (I don't really remember!,) and equally badass Aimee Copeland that had done my x-rays (I also don't remember). Also there was Stanley Lerille (vote for him HERE to go to Kona!) and Scott Coco that I met when I was still in a wheelchair, and Amanda Cole whom I just bought some cycling stuff from the day before, my first since getting mashed up, Mark Miller of course,and a TON of other people.You should come out next time - the Corner Bar ya'll!
Nic's sister Laura Zaunbrecher & her boyfriend Charles Garabedian went to see Frank Shorter talk. They got him to sign this great picture of us at the finish line! Frank Shorter had cheered us on and handed me my walker. SO stoked about it!!
BikeLafayette's Jen Steele and I were on KATC promoting the "Ride of Silence," a world-wide event that honors cyclists that were hit or killed on roadways. I'm one of the honorees this year, along with other really great people. May 15th 7PM at the Mickey Shunick Ghost Bike memorial!!
Have a happy weekend! Go listen to some U2!
GIRL, you amaze me! I know what damage my accident caused, and that was with me IN A CAR! I can't imagine being on a bike and getting hit at the speed u were! The fact that u wanna return to work at this point is a testament to ur strength. I know ur sad and discouraged, and I'm sorry...it really sucks that our employers couldn't have our backs when we were at our lowest points in our lives.
ReplyDeleteMy accident was my 2nd brush with death over the span of a year. That way, when I had the accident, I think I was better able to accept things, and at a faster pace. You need to remember; you came back with flying colors from something most people wouldn't have survived. You need to realize that your hard work and dedication are NOT in vain; You WILL get your life back, but not necessarily in the timeframe you choose. You need to look at yourself and the position you're in objectively. Being a nurse, I was always trying to encourage my patients. When I'm being hard on myself or getting frustrated with my situation, it helps to go into nurse mode, step outside myself and look at myself like a patient. What would I tell a patient who just survived countless heart surgeries, orthopedic surgeries, had metal in half their body holding them together? What would you say to that patient who re-learned to walk, despite bones broken so violently that doctors didn't give them hope of ever walking again, much less running or riding a bike? I'd say "You're the strongest person I've ever met!"...and you, Jen and I ARE...the strongest bitches I know!!! It may sound like we're too confident, or cocky, but we've been to hell and back! We know what it means to survive, and we get to be proud of ourselves for that!
I think we lost our jobs during FMLA because we're viewed as a liability. We weren't supposed to recover the way we did, but when we did, it showed that we weren't the types to shrink from a challenge...we're fighters. Strong people, strong WOMEN, make people nervous. Instead of seeing that we want to continue being productive members of society, contributing to our respective fields of study, we're viewed as suspect for wanting to return to work. We MUST have ulterior motives; I honestly believe they think we plan on getting hurt at work so we can sue them, or that somehow, we will hurt ourselves or exacerbate an injury that would hold them responsible!!! When you consider the number of people who commit insurance fraud, fake injuries, and basically try to get a free ride, it's not surprising we were treated so shabbily by our employing companies!!!
I'm really jazzed about court this week, and I'm feeling so much better about things! When I got on the stand, I thought of you a lot, wondering if you'll ever get the chance to face your offender, and tell him in painful detail how he's fucked your world up?!? You may or may not ever have that chance, but it doesn't mean you can't hold others accountable for their offenses, namely your work! I would seriously pursue your suspicions, and make a lot of noise! Threaten to go to Lee Zurich or newspapers! Tell them you know they're giving you the runaround and you intend to expose them. I fully believe that if I hadn't gone to every court date, and taken the stand on Wed. , that he would've gotten off with just probation!
I guess my point is, that nearly dying that 2nd time in a year made me realize something I hope you realize; we were meant to survive, to be here and share our experiences. I struggled with my 12 years of Catholic education before I came to this conclusion; God really doesn't give you more than you can handle. We might have to reach down really deep to handle it, but we're handling it nonetheless! The fact he gave us such challenging ordeals shows he has faith in us...maybe that was the point all along, to help us see just how strong we can be when we have to be!
Thank you!! I had no idea you guys went through the FMLA thing too!! Makes total sense. Ugh. Love ya'll!
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