Throughout our lives, we have that little voice in our heads, telling us to do the right thing, telling us we can or can't go on. We also hear other people in our heads. Now, I'm not talking about being schizophrenic or delusional...if you have arguments with the voices in your head, I'm gonna suggest you seek help from your nearest mental health professional! I'm talking about hearing the voice of our mom or dad, telling us we can cross the finish line, we can ace that test. Ever since I was a little girl, my parents have told me "you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to!". Every time I'm facing a difficult task, I hear their voices telling me that. We may also hear the voices of friends or other family encouraging us. Sadly, some of us have been in abusive relationships, and hear the voices of our abusers telling us we're worthless, "why would anyone want you?!?", "you're nothing but a _______(fill in the blank)!!"...yes, I have much personal experience with those voices myself! We hear many voices in day-to-day life and when we struggle with an ordeal. We'll HEAR many voices through our lives, but our success or failure is dictated by which ones we LISTEN to.
For me, the worst thing someone can do is to tell me I can't do something. I always take that as a personal challenge to prove them wrong, and fight all the more so I can tell them "told you I could do it!". Right after I had my accident, I told y'all I was in and out of consciousness. I'd hear the doctors in my ICU room telling my parents "we don't know if she's gonna make it"; my spleen had ruptured and something ridiculous like 4 Liters of blood had been sucked outta my abdomen in surgery (I rec'd 15 units of blood throughout hospitalization). Once again, I took that as a personal challenge, and hung on with everything in me. When I got past those first 48 hrs., my chance of survival greatly increased. Now the attention was placed on my arms and legs and how functional I would be if I DID live through it. I heard the docs telling my family "we don't know if she'll be able to walk again". My parents, ever the optimists, and knowing me and how hard-headed I am, told the doctor "you don't Amy Marie! She'll be running before all this over!". My parents said the docs looked at them like they were crazy, heartbroken parents who couldn't accept the fact that their daughter, as they knew her, was gone.
After the first 11 or 12 surgeries, I was in so much pain; and for the first time in my life, I doubted I could get through it. The first voices I remember were my family cheering me on, telling me I'd been hit by a drunk driver but Bailey and I were gonna be ok. I remember coming to and just writhing in pain. I mouthed something to my mom, and she leaned in closer and said "what baby? I can't hear you?". I said " it hurts too much... I can't do this anymore". She looked at me with a very worried and heartbroken expression and said "NO! Don't say that! We need you to hang on for us!". She went to the nurses station and had a Shirley MacLaine-style breakdown like the one in " Terms of Endearment"! She told the nurse "she said she can't do this anymore!!! She's hurting too much to hang on... YOU get in there and give her something to help her pain so she can keep going!!!", then she came in the room and told me they were coming to give me medicine. Being the drill sergeant she is, she then said " DON'T you give up, Amy Marie!!! You CAN and WILL do this...failure is not an option!!! Think of your kids, of your brother and sisters! And what about me and daddy?!?". Then the nurse came in with heavy drugs and I stopped wishing for death! Listening to the right voices, at the right time, can make you or break you!
Over the next few weeks, doctors, nurses and occupational and physical therapists came in and out of my room. Some of them would tell me how amazing it was that I survived, how I was "lucky", or "blessed". As I progressed, they saw the effort I put into therapy, how hard I tried to do anything and everything the docs allowed me to do, and they told me how proud they were; that pushed me to try harder. We sometimes don't realize the positive impact our kind and encouraging words have on someone who may be struggling to keep going; keep that in mind the next time you see someone who could use a kind word. Your words may mean the difference btw life and death for that person!
Unfortunately, vindictive people may also try to tear you down at your most vulnerable. A month and a half after my accident, the guy I'd been seeing for over a year broke up with me. He said it wasn't the accident, and maybe it wasn't, but it sure felt like it was when he texted taunting things to me. When he heard my present boyfriend, Kevin (now fiancé) and I were talking, he said "what kind of loser is HE that he wants to date a woman who can't even walk?!?". That was one of those confusing times, when someone you care about tells you something that completely conflicts with the person you thought they were. I'm a person who really tries to find good in everyone, even people who aren't nice to me. I know that sounds naive, but I believe if someone is that miserable that they need to go outta their way to hurt me, they must not have been treated very nicely as kids. If it makes them feel better, fill some void in their lives, to be mean to me because someone was mean to them growing up, then so be it. I figure they've got much bigger problems than I do if they have to go that far! I still try to see the good in everyone, despite how they treat me. This was one of those rare moments when what someone said really hurt me, and it was hard to let it roll off my back. I was broken... physically, emotionally and spiritually. If a person you love can say that to you at the worst and lowest point in your life, they don't love you, and you don't need them in your life! When someone loves you...REALLY loves you...they want you to feel good about yourself! They see your beauty despite scars and broken bones. Kevin found out what my ex said , and said "that's ok...HE'S the fuckin' the loser for not realizing what he was throwing away! I'M lucky!".
Although it hurt, I'm glad my ex said those things. It pissed me off enough to stop crying and feeling sorry for myself. I couldn't stand on my legs for 4.5 months after the accident, but I laid in my hospital bed in my parents' living room and worked out in bed. I did leg lifts, crunches, and after my broken ankles healed enough, I put ankle weights on and sat on the edge of the bed and did quad curls. It hurt like hell, especially since I'd had a piece of hip bone removed and grafted to my right ankle, but I pushed through the pain so I could be myself again. I couldn't stand in front of a mirror, so I laid my legs in front of me to see how much muscle tone I needed to gain back, and how my scars looked. I wasn't ever gonna give anyone the opportunity to tell me how much "better" I looked "BEFORE the accident"!
My recovery was long and hard, but only possible because of the supportive people around me. People tell me what an "inspiration" I am, but I don't see it that way. Actually, I laugh a little on the inside when someone tells me how brave I am, and my mind immediately rewinds to the times I've just broken down and cried, sobbing about all I've lost because of this damn accident! I wonder what people would say if they could see me at those times; would they still tell me I'm an inspiration? I'm not sure, but I DO know that I see my family, and Kevin, as the voices who made me strong when I wanted to break; giving me pep talks when I wanted to have a wimpy girl breakdown and abandon all hope. The way they believed in me, and assured me I could be myself again, is the only reason I didn't accept the mediocre standards my docs had set for me. I wanted to be the girl that you couldn't tell had been through hell and back...that chick in a bikini on the beach, that u sit down next to, never knowing the disfiguring scars and breaks that lie beneath! As the chick in "1965" (white zombie) says, "I never TRY anything, I just DO it! Wanna try me?!?". I may have broken nearly every bone in my body, but I'm still the chick who pushes the envelope a little further, and I don't "try", I DO...whatever I have the whimsy to do, including walking around the house in my pleather thigh high boots, just for a laugh and to make myself feel a little sexier and in control of the life that hasn't resembled MY life for quite some time! Only YOU can determine your own potential, and only you can determine your boundaries. Who do you know that gets to be close enough to whisper those words of condescension or words of encouragement? How will you recognize them? Only you can decide... Choose wisely my friends!
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