Almost five years ago I was very sick with a respiratory infection and in the hospital. It was Christmastime and it was snowing, in Houston, and I was in the hospital. Not able to move enough to look up close out the window at the beautiful snow. I had to leave Ava with family and head into the hospital because I was turning blue. It was really hard to tell her goodbye. Little did I know I would keep having to tell my kids goodbye over and over through the years. Never knowing for sure if I could keep my promise to come back to them.
The docs didn't realize then that my heart would get WHACK ASS CRAZY whenever I got a cold. Yes, that's a technical term (whack ass crazy. It's in Websters ya'll.) It's a hallmark of the condition April (My heart twin) and I have called Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia. Which I think is hilarious. It means my heart is exceeding fast when it shouldn't be. My pulse was 200 asleep. (Most people are being 60-80 asleep) So it's like running as fast as you can while you aren't moving. But IST (Inappropriate Sinus Tach) is pretty interesting because then you can say cool stuff like "Sometimes I'm inappropriate and sometimes I am not inappropriate." To a doctor. Then you can sit back and see if they chuckle. That's kinda my goal when I'm in the hospital. It's VERY hard for me not to joke with the doctors because they are all serious with their white coats and refusing to sit when they walk in a room. So I can't help myself but joke with them and chain curse. Chain cursing is the best. They've given up on me being serious so now they just sit and talk and me.
I knew I was dying (this was before I found the best doc in the universe to fix my whack ass heart.) It was very early in the morning and I couldn't breathe. I hit the emergency button but no one came. A resident found me, looked at me and said "we'll try not to intubate you." and then the dude WALKED OUT. He actually ran but still he didn't stay with me. It was a incredibly helpless feeling seeing him walk out. He was going to get help and move me to the ICU. They put me in the ICU and put me on a machine that would breathe for me. Not a respirator but a bi-pap. It actually makes your lungs move so it's pretty weird and makes you do a wicked Darth Vadar impression.
I could have taken that moment to feel sorry for myself but inside I was laughing because the way this thing straps to your face it was too big so it made this tuba/fart noise that I thought was hilarious. Sometimes you have to laugh. Even when you feel like you are dying. When Loey (no, none of my friends have real names. Go with me here people.) got to the hospital she took me for a walk which meant disconnecting the thing that was breathing for me. Which makes you very weak instantly. Like tossing a fish out of water. As we walked through the corridor I realized I was the only person in that unit that wasn't in a coma. I was going to fight and some of these people next to me would not make it home. Like the 16 year old girl in the room next to me.
I figured out I could say 7 words until my heart would hit 180. I was in SVT which feels like you are being suffocated. So I spoke quickly, 7 words only are a time. Then they brought me a notebook. I used it to tell Loey, "This isn't some Steel Magnolias shit. I'm going to be okay. " They told me to write out my entire medical history and if they didn't figure it out I would die. They could use some positivity training in that hospital! I signed releases so they could get my medical record but the system was slow. Too slow for them to get what they needed from my Cardiologist so they could help me. I was so tired from trying to breathe I wanted to just sleep. I just wanted to rest. But I couldn't. Because I had a 2 year old at home waiting for her mommy. I'd have to find the strength to do this. I did it. They sent me home a week later broken and exhausted. Without knowing why I tanked in the first place. Not knowing a way to prevent it from happening again. I spent the next few months in bed watching movies. But I got to see my daughter and my husband again. I went home, unlike the other people in the ICU.
So it's all about perspective. You can choose to feel sorry for yourself or you can find a way to have fun. Like removing your red or yellow socks which mark you as a (DO NOT LET THIS JACKASS WALK) patient and going to for a quick stroll in the Cardiac unit and see how long it takes so someone to tackle you and bring you back to your room. Or crank calling people with my robot voice. Yes, that happened too. Crazy vocal cord stopped working and it made me sound like a robot for months. But it made for awesome phone messages.
So what's I'm saying is being friends with me is dangerous. Because some of my best friends have awful shit happen to them. SO YOU SHOULD MAKE YOUR DECISION WISELY. But I promise if you hang with me I will make you laugh. Try to find something positive out of every situation. It will help you get through. Yes, I have a whack ass heart and set off metal detectors. But I'm here and alive.
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