When you have medical problems like the 3 of us you live always knowing something WILL happen. You know at some point you'll have to go back in to the hospital and your life will be in upheaval. I tend to make it to the 3 month mark then something happens. Next week will be my 3 month mark. I don't think anything will happen. But to be honest so many bad things have happened over the years that getting to live like a normal person seemed like an impossible goal. I don't have a hospital bag packed and that feels incredible.
I was reflecting this week on everything me, Perky, and Monique have been through. We had so many setbacks we don't actually probably remember what it's like for things to just go well. My kids have always known that I will leave them at some point. I think they are starting to trust that I'm going to be around for them. I'm hoping all of us can experience that feeling soon. It's not that we're living in our problems. It's that we have to think about these issues everyday. We are all in rehab mode. We have to live around our limitations. Because if something CAN be overcome the 3 of us will manage to do it. We have to watch out for danger, random toothbrushes, i pad covers, metal detectors and giant magnets! Ha Ha. Okay, maybe that last part is just me!
Fear and I have a tricky relationship. I'm trying to maintain a healthy sense of fear over ripping my leads because in my head I am a super athlete. In my head I can lift weights, carry around children and probably save the planet. But I have to be honest. My left arm still isn't healed yet. It hurts a lot to use my left arm in drive thru lanes for the bank and the pharmacy. I have a long way to go to rebuild all the function in that arm. I can't lift weights above my head. I can't do pushups. I'm so dependent on the pacemaker that I don't know if I would survive ripping the leads.
I have to write these things out so I believe them. You wouldn't notice anything by looking at me. But it's just not perfect yet. I hate the word LIMITATIONS. All of us hate that word. I'm working on it. But I am trying to remember I can't do everything. Which is a hard realization for me. I need help. We are in the middle of moving and I'm going to actually need movers and Jeremy to help me lift things. Which sucks. But keeping myself well is my job. I want to be here for the kids. So that means it's time to bring on some good luck!!
I feel really good. Not faking it till I make it good, actually good. Everything is stable. Pacemaker no longer feels like it's going to fall out my chest when I bend over. It feels like part of me. I'm able to be the kind of mom I want to be. I feel safe again. I haven't felt safe in a long time. I don't worry about the pacemaker not working. I just trust it. It's so much more dependable than my own heart. As I've been hearing other people's stories I get reminded of the hard times and I am so grateful to be on the other side.
What's is like to not have to deal with these complications? I don't know. But I'm so looking forward to spending the summer at the pool with my kids. A summer of laughing, our first vacation ever as a family, and living life to it's fullest. Sounds kinda amazing. Could I be this lucky? I wonder what other people feel like that don't live with a sense of impending doom. How amazing that must feel to have the freedom to do whatever you want to do. If you are that person appreciate your life, appreciate your fully working body and take good care of it.
I had to fill out a volunteer form for Ava's school saying which projects I took a part in this year. I didn't have much to write because I had so many surgeries this year. Next year will be different. Something I've never experienced. Life is very good right now. Jeremy and I will be married 10 years on June 14th. We're moving closer to Jeremy's office and he can spend much more time with the family. He has been commuting 3 hours a day! Jeremy finally has a job he loves and I am so happy that we can all be together as a family. I feel so blessed. God has been so good to me. Some people have asked me why I'm not mad with God. How could I be? Maybe this is God's plan for me. I think I'm here to help other people overcome heart disease. I think I am one of the people who is here to support others going through these surgeries. I plan on speaking for the American Heart Association. I'm hoping that my words will help someone not feel alone in this struggle.
On a side note people love to guess what my scar is when I go out. It's kinda hilarious. One dude just walked up and said, "Car accident?" Ummm, no. Shoulder surgery? Umm, not even close. When people ask sometimes I tell them it was a prison stabbing. Just because it makes me giggle to see them get uncomfortable. But I usually tell them that it's a pacemaker! Sometimes I don't. It's just more fun that way. Hope all of you readers are having a great week. Remember to take a breath, be thankful for your body, your working heart, and the ability to walk, talk, and move. Always be grateful for your life no matter what challenges you face.
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